when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize