I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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