so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
