Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
