can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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