You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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