thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
She's the barista slut.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
