hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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