dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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