and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You may now shotgun with the bride
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
