Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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