I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
