your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
