Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
