i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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