You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
