I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
