I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
