I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize