So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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