I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
