Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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