I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
