every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
40s are totally the cure
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