the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
