I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
