I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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