When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
