The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize