I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
