If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
