thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
