I wanna passion pit in your ass
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
