that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
