Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
