I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
