You're completely useless in the revolution.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
