I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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