waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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