watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
