took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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