Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
