His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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