She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
