Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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