and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
