and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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