I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
