paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
