I cannot find my penis.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
