I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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