I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
