Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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