It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
