and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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