I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
