I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
