Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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