that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
