walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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