Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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