I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
